The face in the mirror
“My turn shall also come:
I sense the spreading of a wing.”
Do you look at the mirror and see the same face from ten years ago staring back, except you know its just the face that has remained the same, and everything else has changed? Have you?
I have.
I look back and see fine lines underneath my eyes, eyes that have seen much and felt much and felt less and felt more over the years, eyes that know that underneath this outer shell, the inner world has changed completely.
Staring back at me is a girl who wanted to play it safe all the time. Naïve, soft, dreadfully, painfully shy, completely lacking in courage, weak. Right and wrong, good and bad, the polarities, the safety of it all, the comfort too much to really even ask herself the important questions. Condemning herself for the smallest of mistakes, sometimes mistakes that didn’t even happen except in her own head. Sorry for even having a heart, because hearts can get broken. They do. Blaming others when things went wrong, congratulating herself when things went right. Selfish, painfully selfish. Very kind but never knew what to do with all the kindness. So let it go to waste.
At best, an average human being. Lost, confused, cheerful on the outside, dark on the inside.
Self- judgement, self-loathing. Questions with no answers….
Who am I?
What do I want?
Is there anything useful that I have done with my precious time here, or is it just fitting in?
The answers that first come in are disappointing, silent.
But then a small voice speaks back as well. She is afraid, but she needs to speak. She needs to tell her side of the story. And she begins. And as she begins, her voice gets louder, a little more confident
The girl who wouldn’t sleep alone in the same room spent years living alone in an apartment. In the beginning, she called one of her friends to come in the middle of the night, if she so much as spotted a lizard to shoo it away.
Slowly, she learnt to sit alone, be alone, live alone. But importantly, to feel happy about it. And enjoy her own company. COURAGE.
She stopped calling people simply to fill a void. People were welcome, sure, but not for her own selfish need for company. Meaningful relationships replaced the need for pretentious ones.
She couldn’t say no to people once but now began to decline invitations. Left, right, center. HONESTY
Boundaries, previously a concept unknown. Saying yes to the most inconvenient of requests, simply because saying no and risking the loss of friendships was so high.
Now boundaries became the most necessary thing. To survive and thrive.
People pleaser. Gone, gone, gone. No apologies about it anymore. None. STEPPING INTO HER LIGHT
No explanations given for any questions that didn’t need answers. The need to explain leaving, though very gradually, for it has been so long engrained. OWNING HERSELF, PERHAPS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Anger that felt like a lion was roaring in her heart and soul day and night…Now only a gentle tug, easily managed, easily silenced.
Blame and resentment galore. Never refraining from telling people her problems. Now replies with a kindness for herself and others, and it doesn’t even feel forced. It feels real.
Grateful for the past and the present. But most of all for the immense courage it brought. Immense, immense, cannot be put into words… neither today, nor ever.
So, so afraid to stand out. So afraid of doing anything that would mark her from the crowd. Now wants to do things that make her feel complete. Whole.
Feeling inadequate, incomplete within herself for far too long. But started the journey to wholeness.
But most of all, happy to finally learn that hearts, lives and souls can be healed. And most grateful to have the most loving partner on this journey.. the one who made her believe in herself again. DARING TO FINALLY EMBARK ON HER SOUL JOURNEY
The journey that may last the rest of her life. And that’s ok. Maybe that’s what the journey is about.
